so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
