Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
