I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
