walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
