She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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