the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
