She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
only if we run a train.
done.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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