Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
