Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
