Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
