I wish my penis had an off switch
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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