i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
