Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
