Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
