got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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