Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Blow job season was short but glorious.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
