I'm going to jail i love you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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