SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
