Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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