She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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