someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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