Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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