Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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