Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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