I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
