I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
