She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
