I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize