if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
