My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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