grandma shit on top of the toilet
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
