I feel great
I just peed on a car
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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