I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
