Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
