I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he had hair everywhere except his balls
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
