genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
