47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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