it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
