If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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