What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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