He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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