I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
