I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
