1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
