You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
