How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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