I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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