I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
