i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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