I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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