SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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